shocked

I experienced quite a shock today. One that I am not sure I will be able to stop thinking about for a while.

Death is a part of all of our lives. Loved ones, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, friends of friends. We all have to experience the loss at one time or another, and God willing, it is not often, but it is part of the circle of life. Sometimes it is a blessing, giving relief from a life filled with pain or a long drawn out illness received when fighting for our country. Sometimes, it is a natural, peace filled passing. But there can be shock as well. When a child is taken way too young while biking with his family, or trying to surprise a friend with a birthday cake. These deaths seem so unnecessary and they stay with us while we try to find the balance in our lives again. But there is another kind of death that will always rock me to my core. Suicide.

I have know only a few in my life. I will remember the first always. I was a senior in high school. It was late winter or early spring and I had a friend that lived down the street. He was a good guy, always laughing and smarter than anyone that I had ever known, but he had deeper troubles that he was not willing to share. I was leaving school one day when I heard the news that he was gone. I drove home and collapsed when entering the house, sobbing and sobbing. My mom was crazy, she had no idea what was wrong and I could barely tell her. I remember the aftermath, the friends, the way the school handled it the next day, the church service and life went on, but there was always the "why?".

Seven or eight years ago another one came my way. A friend of my sister's. More unanswered questions and even though I had only ever met her one time... there were still the questions. why? What could I have done? Where could I have helped?

During these times of uncertainty we all have our ways of coping. We turn to our friends and family, our religious leaders or counselors. Not that they can answer the "whys?" but because we can talk through it. But what happens when it is our religious leader? What then?

I got news this afternoon that a pastor for my church, who had resigned in June and moved to Alabama, had taken his life last week. A pastor. A religious leader, guider, counselor. When he began his service here six years ago, I worked under his guidance. When I gave up my position at the church a while ago, our relationship slowly faded away. He was busy, I was busy and our paths just didn't cross. So it's not that we were close. It is the shock of the act as well as the added shock of his position. It adds a whole other layer of "whys?" that I can't even begin to get my head around.

This one will keep me spinning for a while.